"Sanctuary is a word which here means  a small, safe place in a troubling world. Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea."

You wanna know what movie I was really excited for? A Series of Unfortunate Events.

I'd read every book, I'd languished in the hilarious and felt a little pity for the children when bad things happened.

You wanna know what movie I was really disappointed in? A Series of Unfortunate Events.

With each passing moment of the movie, I was more and more disappointed. I couldn't believe that they had done such a horrible job portraying the movie. It made me sad, which the books never did. Throughout all the books, Violet, Klaus and Sunny seemed like resourceful kids who never gave up, never got discouraged, and whose parent's deaths seemed comfortably distant.

The movie....did not do that. It showed the sadness--tastefully, albeit--and Violet, Klaus and Sunny looked like....children. Children dealing with the death of their parents.

I didn't like that. I got too emotionally involved. I especially connected with the homesick feeling, for some reason. I felt the despair of having just lost a home, just lost your parents, and then being thrown into a situation where there was no comfort. Not just once, but over and over.

But at the very end, the children get to walk through their old house. The whole inside had been reduced to ashes, and I felt a part of me die with the children each time they discovered something destroyed that had been once precious.

Partway through, the children find a letter, a letter that their parents had sent while on a journey--

The Letter That Never Came. It read as follows:

"Dearest Children,
Since we have been abroad we've missed you all so much. Certain events have compelled us to extend our travels. One day, when you're older, you will learn all about the people we've befriended and the dangers we have faced.
At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say that there is much more good in it than bad--all you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may, in fact, be the first steps in a journey.
We hope to have you back in our arms soon, darlings, but just in case this letter arrives before our return, know that we love you. It fills us with pride to know that no matter what happens in this life, that you three will take care of each other, with kindness and bravery and selflessness, as you always have.
And remember one thing, darlings, and never forget it: that no matter where we are, know that as long as you have each other, you have your family.
And you are home."


I'll admit it--that part of the movie gave me the chills. I felt the spirit so strongly, and I still do every time I think about it, or read those words.

It offered a little bit of compensation for all the horrible things that had happened during the movie. It seemed to me, that the children could get through it all because they were together. And it reaffirmed to me the intense preciousness of my own family--I was struck intensely with the confirmation that no matter what, if I had my family, I could manage anything.

That no amount of sadness could ever take that joy away from me.

Sometimes things in the world testify the gospel to me, really strongly. This was one of them. And every time I listen to The Letter That Never Came by Thomas Newman, I feel it again. I hear Violet's voice and I feel a rush of love for my own family--and an intense desire to have them close, to hug them tightly.

And so, for me, A Series of Unfortunate Events was actually a worthwhile movie. I love it.

In closing, I repeat Lemony Snicket's own words:

"Dear Reader, there are people in the world who know no misery and woe. And they take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves. There are people who know there's a mystery to be solved. And they take comfort in researching and writing down any important evidence. But this story is not about such people. This story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed."

The Honor of Kings

"I was taught that when you visit a King, rather than expect a gift, one should bring one to lay at his feet."

The story of Esther has always been one of my favorites. It's one of the best examples of God's careful planning. But I've always wondered at the circumstances behind the story--what would possess a King of Persia to choose a Jewish woman to marry? How would Haman ever convince that King to kill an entire people?

I suppose there will never be any real answers in this life. But I did see a movie last night that offered an interesting and sensical filling in of those gaps--One Night With The King.

It tells of the story of Hadasseh, a Jewish girl living with her uncle, Mordecai. The King of Persia seeks a new wife and pulls many eligible women from the surrounding villages and cities to be trained as "candidates". Afraid of being persecuted for her Jewish heritage, Hadasseh takes on the name "Esther" and quickly captures the heart of the King. He marries her, and she becomes the Queen of Persia.

Parallel to Hadasseh's story is that of Haman. He is the descendant of Agag, a King killed by Saul. Prophesied to take revenge on the Jews for this misdeed, Haman creeps into the King's favor while setting up his murderous plot.

The two stories meet and the edict for the annihilation of the Jews is given. Hadasseh is given no choice but to break protocol and go into the King un-summoned. She does so at the risk of her life, and is accepted by the King. She offers her heritage up and the King believes her and gets rid of Haman. Happy ending.

There were a few things in this movie that really struck me. For example, the quote found at the beginning of the post.

I've thought a lot about this quote, running it over and over in my mind. Should one really bring a gift to a King? He is the rich one. He has more to give. The subject is unlikely to procure a gift suitable to the King anyway. Should not the King offer gifts to those he allows into his presence?

But in the movie, Hadasseh offers the King her most prized possession, a gift from her parents--the symbol of her past, her present, and her future. He is honored, and she wins his heart.

I began to think of all the things that a King already does for his people. He offers them security and maintains their wealth and freedoms. He is their advocate with the angry Kings of other lands who seek to do them harm.

As I thought of this...I started thinking about our relationship with our King, The Savior. Is it fair of us to expect gifts from him?

Then I started thinking about everything the Savior did for us. He left his home to come to earth and live in dirt and poverty. He took upon himself all of our sins and pains. He even died for us. He is prepared to stand as an intercessor when we go to be judged after this life. He offered the only way that we can be happy for the rest of eternity.

Should we then expect him to shower us with gifts when accepted into his presence? No. He has already done enough for us. It is our duty to bring a gift to lay at his feet. Perhaps even the same gift that Esther offered--our past, present and future. Our heart.

"I was taught that when you visit a King, rather than expect a gift, one should bring one to lay at his feet."

The One Where Rachel Decides That Everything is Going to be Okay

Being home is a semi-glorious thing.

In the semi-edited words of a friend....it's semi-glorious in the same way ice semi-melts in boiling water.

In other words...it's completely and totally glorious.

There are things and people I miss from college. I know this is definitely a point in my life where I'm stepping off of a platform that I've become quite comfortable on....things are changing so fast and so completely, and up until this point I've found myself being dragged forward by the arm, stumbling along backwards like a sad rag doll...and I haven't had time to turn myself around and actually step forward with the changes.

But no more!

I hope to use this sojourn home to fill myself up with familial love, sort myself out, and return back to college face-forward, ready to run with my life, because let's face it, sometimes in life, that decision to turn forward and run instead of dragging behind is the only decision you get to make!

"Time is tricky. You have whole months, even years, when nothing changes a speck, when you don't go anywhere or do anything or think one new thought. And then you can get hit with a day or an hour, or half a second, when so much happens, it's almost like you are born all over again into some brand-new person you for dang sure never expected to meet."

--E.R. Frank

I think one of these days I'm going to look in the mirror and jump at least a half a dozen miles. God is good. God is sneaky. God is all-knowing. God knows exactly what will make me happiest, exactly what will "balance my chi" and what types of things will absolutely confirm everything good and right in the world to me.

God knows when it's time for a change.

And since I really had no purpose in this post except to set right the things I'd messed up on my last post, I'll simply conclude with a list of truths I've learned in the last ten days or so...

1. It is never too late for a spoonful of homemade fudge and a glass of milk.
2. There's never a bad time to have a Justin Bieber dance party. Except maybe when your RA is walking through to her apartment....
3. A worthy priesthood holder is always ready to give the counsel you need from the Lord. Whether through a blessing or hug or handshake or conversation, the Lord works through those who work with him. Even when they are scared or unsure.
4. The lights on Temple Square? I thought they were the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life. Not so--there are a whole number of things more beautiful than they are. Among many others, soft smiles, marbles in cold water, teary eyes, stars close to midnight, stairs in inconvenient places, grey skies in the early morning, rain on flushed faces, whispered names and words and promises kept.
5. Sisters are God's greatest creations. Giggles and "Your Team" and shared books and linked arms and snuggling in the mornings. What else could I ask for?
6. My parents. Are the greatest.
7. Everyone should leave home and have an adventure.
8. You are....you! There is no one who can ever change that, and there is no one who ever should. Everyone has faults. But you must love yourself before loving anyone else.
9. A boy should ask permission to kiss you. Not because he can't work up the courage to do it any other way, but because he realizes that it's just too important a thing to do without permission. Because he realizes that it's a gift that you must offer him--not something he should ever just take.
10. God is a sneaky, sneaky fellow.

One last thought, and a sort-of experiment. (If you click on "experiment" in that last sentence....it takes you somewhere really cool! This is what's been on my mind the last couple of days...)

Rachel.

Psshshhhfffftbbtt

Yes. This is my first, very official "Admit-it-Rachel-you-have-no-idea-what-you're-doing" post.

Because I'm here to admit it. I have no idea what I'm doing.

Can I put forth a little picture here? My feelings in semi-visual form? This has been something bouncing around my head for a couple of days now....

I'm at the pool. It's crowded and hot and the water is crammed full of wet, energetic bodies. Those I have come with are near--behind me fumbling with flip-flops and sunscreen and sunglasses, with "oh! she sees me!" or "is he looking at me?", juggling well-guarded egos and carefully crafted identities. I glance behind me to watch this scene, but step sideways quickly as they set off at a run, bare feet padding on the concrete, running, running, until the water explodes and they sink under.

They laugh and giggle and beckon me closer--but I cannot move. I simply stand there, feelings and skin frightfully bare in my summer bathing suit, so bare and empty that I fear if I move, I will suddenly become so painfully visible to everyone around.

But I must move. And I do. Not a footstep uncarefully placed, I mark the steps, every inch closer to to the pool's edge. But I don't jump. That's just not how I am. Instead, I lean down, and only let the water submerge my ankles. And appropriately so! The ice-cold bites at my toes, and I find myself unable to find the motivation to move--unable to move into the water, unable to get out.

Just sitting on the side of the pool.

Sometimes I feel like this in life. It happened before I came to college here. My whole summer consisted of sitting on the edge of the pool, watching others jump in and splash around. I couldn't get used to the idea of changing my life so drastically, but I couldn't, in good conscience, back out and stay home forever.

It ended up being a slipping-in kind of thing. Somehow, without my knowledge, I fell into adulthood, into college, into life on my own.

This is an okay slipping-in. There are some things in life that I am not willing to slip into. Some things that, no matter how many things line up and come together for, I will never be able to do without full confidence in the outcome.

And until I feel full confidence in that outcome, I'll just be the scared, unsure girl, sitting on the side of the pool.

But really, is there anything wrong with that? President Hinckley sat on the edge of his pool before attending school for the first time, and his parents let him wait a year. Should I really go for something before I feel I'm ready to? College ended up being a fantastic endeavor, something akin to jumping into warm water when nothing less than ice-cold was expected.

But will I get lucky in everything else? Can I always jump into a warm pool? Do I always want to?  (Beyond all this--how far can I stretch this ridiculous metaphor?!)

Anyway. One final question: what if my refusal to jump in were to hurt those already in the water?

Of Life, Love, and the Gift of a Cupcake

I'm sure that before we came down to earth, we all knew that there would be times when we felt discouraged.

We all knew there would be times when we felt we couldn't carry on.
Times when love wouldn't happen the way we planned it.
Times when our worries seemed to swirl around us uncontrollably.
Times when those we loved would turn away from us.

We knew this. We agreed to it. We knew in our hearts that the joys in this life would be worth it.
That the spirit would guide us through, and the Lord would put people into our paths to serve as his hands in offering relief.

Elder Bushe gave a talk at a BYU Devotional in 1996 about ways to get through this life. The ones in blue are my favorites, the ones that inspired me the most.

1. Embrace this day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks.
2. In your life, there have to be challenges. They will either bring you closer to God, and therefore make you stronger, or the can destroy you. But YOU make the decision of which road you take.
3. First and foremost, you are a spirit child of God. If you neglect to feed your spirit, you will reap unhappiness. Don't permit anything to detract you from this awareness.
4. You cannot communicate with God unless you have first sacrificed your self-oriented natural man, and have brought yourself into the lower levels of meekness to become acceptable for the light of Christ.
5. Put all frustrations, hurt feelings, and grumblings into the perspective of your eternal hope. Light will flow into your soul.
6. Pause to ponder the suffering Christ felt in the garden of Gethsemane. In the awareness of the depth of gratitude for Him, you appreciate every opportunity to show your love for Him by diligently serving in his church.
7. God knows that you are not perfect, as you suffer about your imperfections, He will give you comfort and suggestions for where to improve.
8. God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen to the uncomfortable suggestions he gives you. Everything will fall into its place.
9. Avoid any fear like your worst enemy, but magnify your fear about the consequences of sin.
10. If you cannot love someone, look into that person's eyes, long enough to find the hidden rudiments of the child of God in him.
11. Never judge anyone. When you accept this, you will be freed.
12. If someone hurts you, so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive them, and you will be free again.
13. Avoid at all cost any pessimistic, negative, or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm.
14.While on the road to salvation, let questions arise, but never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity, but never doubts.
15. Avoid rush, and haste, and uncontrolled words. Divine light develops in places of peace and quiet, be aware of that as you enter places of worship.
16. Be not so concerned about what you do, but what you do, do with all your heart, mind and strength. In thoroughness, is satisfaction.
17. You want to be good, and to do good? That is commendable, but the greatest achievement which can be reached in our lives, is to be under the complete influence of the Holy Ghost. Then he will teach us what is really good.
18. The pain of sacrifice only lasts one moment. It is the fear of the pain of the sacrifice that makes you hesitate to do it.
19. Be grateful for every opportunity to serve. It helps you more than those you serve.
20. When you are compelled to give up something, or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now, but know also, that as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better.

Today has been a hard day. But I know that God loves me--He is looking out for me. He is working through those around me to give me comfort on a day when I just wanna go home and hug my mom and dad and siblings, but can't. Through the small gifts of cupcakes, popcorn and hot chocolate, God is showing his love for me, and words can never describe what those little things mean to me.
I only hope that when the time is right, I can return those gifts from God and help another along their way.

One more quote from Elder Bushe's talk:

"Thus we prepare, all the days of our life, and as we grow
death loses its sting,
hell loses its power,
and we look forward to that day, with anticipation and joy,
when He will come in His glory."

Friends. Family. Life. 12:52 am.

Right now....

I should be cleaning my room.

I should be doing some reading for class Monday.

I should be walking into the kitchen to fill up my water bottle so I'll stop thinking "dang, I'm thirsty!"

Heck! I should be sleeping.

But I can't stop thinking. So I'm gonna write. Okay, maybe I'll go fill up my water bottle first.

What am I thinking about? I'm thinking about
life.
 And where your decisions will eventually take you.

I once had a very good friend. We told each other everything. All the time. But one day while I wasn't looking, he went off and changed completely! The age difference between us wasn't severe then, but now I feel that it is. Everything is just....different.
I can't help but stop and think about him every once in a while. Wonder where he is, what he's doing, and what he's thinking right now. I wonder if he realizes what he's doing with his life, if he knows how all those around him feel, if he knows that I'm thinking of him. He's sort of taken on an "I don't care" mindset with his life, he's very unashamed. I sometimes wonder if that is a mask for his real feelings of guilt. And inevitably, as my mind wanders, I wonder if I ever do this with my life....

Do I fake an unashamed attitude to hide my guilt about anything? My sarcasm? My laziness? My incurable dislike for the dishes?

Another example is the horrible manner in which he treats those closest to him. Those most willing to serve him and give up their time and energy to offer him relief and aid.

At a moment when I was almost consumed with horror over such a selfish attitude--and disbelief over how anyone could possibly be so callous....I was astonished and ashamed to realize that there were people in my life that I treated that way. It was a terribly sad moment for me, but also a moment of determination. I promised myself that I wouldn't allow myself to take those around me for granted any more.

So, in a way, every time I think about this friend of mine, I'm led to a silent reflection on myself. I can't help but almost thank him for that...but at the same time, thinking about it makes me miss him, and not him, but who he used to be...

So the question is: How can I be an influence for good, in a positive way?

The Crazy thing about America....

What is it, you may ask?

Our election system.
So remember how America's all about freedom and representation and equality?
well, that's apparently not when it comes to our election system.
See, America operates under Single Member Legislative District. This creates a "winner take all" scenario. It works like this:
Each state divides themselves into districts. Within each district, voters cast their ballots for the candidates of their choice. But here's where it gets sketchy: No matter the proportion of votes in each district, whoever maintains plurality wins the representation.
Imagine a situation in which there are four candidates representing four different political opinions in the district lettered A-D. The votes in one district are as follows:
Candidate/Opinion A: 30% of the popular vote
Candidate/Opinion B: 27% of the popular vote
Candidate/Opinion C: 25% of the popular vote
Candidate/Opinion D: 18% of the popular vote
However, Candidate/Opinion A wins the vote, and only that 30% of the population is accurately represented. There is a chance that this could be okay, though.
Unless--(yes there's a catch)
Unless this happens in every district, which it almost always does. Then the people of Opinions B, C, and D don't receive representation at all.

And here's a real life example!

In case the print is too small, these are the voting distributions from the McCain/Romney primary election from 2008. The purple-ish bar represents the way votes were allocated by district. The red bar shows the votes proportionally by a general vote. As you can see....Romney would've only been

7 votes behind McCain at that point!

Personally, I'm appalled by the fact that we're still using the "Single Member District/Winner Takes All" method of voting. There a few specific reasons why, and here they are:

1.  This method doesn't accurately represent the opinions of the people, which is what The Constitution set up the government to do. The Winner Takes All method practically voids my personal vote in an election! I want a voice! I would like to be able to speak my opinion and be heard!
2. This method also favors and values some votes above others. Due to the population deficiency, the vote of a Wyoming resident is worth 4x as much as the vote of a California resident! I'm not sure I feel comfortable with the fact that someone in some other state has a vote that matters more than mine...after all, we're both citizens of the United States of America. Shouldn't that mean equality and sameness?
3. Due to the nature of this method, candidates feel no need to campaign in "safe" areas. If they know that they have all votes or that the other candidate definitely has all the votes, that area automatically misses out on all the campaigning fun. This counts for states in the presidential elections as well. States like Idaho, where the vote is guaranteed very strongly, must specifically search out the campaigning material. We never get visited, either.
4. This evens out radical opinions and forces candidates to neutralize their opinions as much as possible. Due to the fact that you MUST receive a plurality of votes no matter what to get representation, candidates cater to the broadest range of people possible. This means that, potentially, some opinions will go un-represented, no matter how hard their third-party candidates campaign and advertise.

I would think that, if Americans were smart, we'd move to a proportional method of representation, where each vote counts and every opinion is represented appropriately.

That is all for tonight.

Rachel.

Hey! Look! A title bar!!

Today I wanna write about two things in particular. First, the
BYU Symphonic Orchestra
concert that I went to last night with my roommates (one of my roommates actually performs in it! She plays the violin, and she sort of rocks!). Second, the ridiculousness of what I learned about in
 American Heritage today.

So here goes: the concert--

Let me tell you a little about me. I was in band from my fifth grade year clear until my sophomore year of High School. It didn't matter where we moved, I'd be in the band, and I loved that little piece of stability in my life. My junior year, I decided to try out for the mixed choir, and I miraculously made it! It was unlike anything I'd ever done before...and I loved it. Throughout all of my musical experience, the thing that I really loved most was being right in the middle of the music. Being able to close my eyes and play...or sing...and just feel the music running through me, wrapping around me, surrounding me, enveloping me. That's something I really miss here in college.

So what does this have to do with the concert last night? Everything.
I honestly don't think I have ever heard an orchestra perform well! I didn't have high expectations for the concert, in fact, I didn't even have low expectations for the concert. But the moment that the conducter cued the beginning...I was gone. I was lost inside the music, the feeling of it again, that feeling I've missed so much! I just had to close my eyes and revel in it! It was incredible. My absolute favorite, though, was "Lullaby" from Gayaneh by Aram Khachaturian. I loved the smoothness of it, the pulse through the middle section....it gives me chills to think about it!

Listening to classical symphonic music like this makes me wonder something, though....
Why the heck did Mr. Weed even let us touch music like this in band?! We never ever ever could've played it up to par, and I know for a lot of it, I sat in my chair and glared at the sheet music like it was my personal enemy. Comparing the two experiences was like comparing the taste of
packet hot chocolate
 to the taste of
Starbuck's hot chocolate!
There is no comparison. The packet hot chocolate is just a sad imitation. Our rendition of classical symphonic music was just like packet hot chocolate. Sad. Tasteless. Pitiful.

Unfortunately, I have to save the ridiculousness for a later date...I've got to get to class fairly soon. But stay tuned! Don't go! It'll come.
Rachel

hello blogging world,
here I am!
I'd like to introduce myself a little, but I don't want to waste too much time or space. So here goes:

I am Rachel. I am a student
                                              a daughter
                                                                            a friend
                                                                                        an English Major
                                                                                                                                          a sister
and also a movie-watcher, an ice-cream-eater,
a reader, a smiler, a mystery.

Bottom line (but not for this post, at least):
I am me. And I am here!
Anyway.

I'm taking Classic Civilization 101 (Or 110, I don't really remember) this semester. Most times it feels like the two credit overload I really don't need at all. But other times, like yesterday, I realize that this class is shaping me into a member of society, cultured and ready to send my voice out among the myriads of voices in the world.
This class is an Introduction to Ancient Greek and Roman Literature. Yesterday, the assignment was to read
Georgics IV by Virgil. Yes, the translation we read was REALLY (yeah, REALLY) bad, but if this class has taught me anything, it's that Greek women scorned are horrendously vengeful, and that there is a way to discover and retain an overarching story idea in a bad translation.
The first half of Georgics IV is the description of a colony of bees.
The second half is the story of Orpheus and Eurydices. This story, for some reason, has always struck me. I'll give a little rendition of it, just for those of you who don't know what the heck is going on:

Once upon a time, there was a guy, and there was a girl (Guy: Orpheus, Girl: Eurydices). They were in love, deeply--you know how these Greek stories go. But unfortunately, Eurydices died, and Orpheus was left heartbroken.
Orpheus had a hard time letting Eurydices go, so he traveled to the underworld to beg Pluto and Proserpine (Hades and Persephone) to let her go. They agreed, under the condition that he was not allowed to look at her as he led  her to the surface. Of course, he looks back just before reaching the surface, and she is sucked back under forever.
The end.
This story makes me wonder about life. Do things run in absolutes like that? Could I lose everything precious to me after one fatal mistake? Is there ever a point when I've lost my chance to happiness? Lost my chance at redemption? My chance for forgiveness?
My whole goal in life is to someday be happy forever, surrounded by those I love. Can I ever really lose my grip on that goal?

Food for thought.