A snapshot:
Standing in a church gym juggling cameras, when the warm weight of a tiny life settles into my arms. My heart swells and a life stretches out before me. My body shifts back and forth, rocking, soothing, calming--pacifying me as well as the little one--without my conscious decision to do so. The round little cheeks, his fingers closing around my sleeves. I'm so overcome by the miracle of this little life that I fear I might get emotional, right here in this crowded room. The moment is so personal, so spiritual, and my eyes find another familiar pair--smiling, loving, understanding my heart.
Such a beautiful moment--a moment where, in a rare spot of clarity, God sees fit to show me a little piece of eternity, of total joy.
Another snapshot:
Tired eyes and messy hair--the sun shining through half-closed blinds. Sitting at the kitchen table listening. Shock. Disbelief. Even almost tears. Elation--the lift of a tremendous surprise--another life stretching out before me now. Something exotic? Something foreign? Something terribly difficult. Losing myself for God, so that he can make me into something more. Bicycles and sensible shoes. I feel so excited at the possibility of something I've been dreaming my whole life. I want to share that with everyone I possibly can! But I do not find those eyes, and I see instead that my news means other things as well...
This moment represented pure surprise--and intense pleasure. A moment where God's blessings are truly infinite and his grace complete.
The juxtaposition creates a necessity for faith. It creates a new snapshot--one of me on my knees pleading, begging, crying. The only clear thought I really have is "You know me, Lord. You know my desires."
But really? These are our lives. This is what they're made of. Decisions. Choices. Heart-wrenching moments where the things you truly desire are brought into sharp focus.
In some moments today, I have felt utterly resolved. I have felt torn, heartbroken. I have felt silly for worrying about a problem that I have already solved. I have felt demoralized for feeling unsure. I have leaned both ways. I have sat on the floor and cried.
Recent advice I received said that in order to get off the fence and stay off, you must get off the fence and sit in the grass on one side or the other. If the grass feels right, then stay. If it doesn't, you can always get back on or hop to the other side.
In life sometimes, instead of sitting on a fence, you hold two pictures. The choice is not necessarily the most beautiful picture, but the picture that will give your soul greatest satisfaction. And it must be you that makes it.
"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could..."
--Robert Frost
Beautifully said, Rachel! I love your eloquent style of writing. Yes, it's a hard decision. But maybe resolving yourself to the decision you know is right is the hard part. The amazing thing about the Gospel is that you can have both of these righteous desires if you want them. It's all about the Lord's timeframe for you. We love you and are praying for you as always.
ReplyDelete