The Wheels on the Bus...

This is life.

When you say "I can't be happy until...."

or

                     "I can't move forward until..."

You are making life this:

In a class once we did an exercise. We took a problem I'd been having, a frustration of sorts, and we listed my expectations for it up on the board. Then, we listed everything that was not living up to those expectations. It was difficult for me to open up so totally about such a frustration. 

Then the real fun began. We acted out a scenario. 

I pretended to drive a bus....just driving, you know, my route. Then, all of a sudden, these four punks came up to me, you know, doing what punks do. They heckled me, they told me that I must change my route to a simple circle in the worst part of town, or they would hurt me. 

But they did this in the form of my own thoughts. Each of the four, in succession, came up to me and regurgitated my own insecurities about myself. 

"You should have known better. If you were a really good person, you would have been able to tell and help him/her out! Rachel. Don't kid yourself. You can't even help those closest to you. How will you ever do good in the world?"

or even 

"I don't know why you're expecting to get anything you want. You don't deserve it. You make the same mistakes over and over again. Haven't you ever heard of forsaking your sins?"

and I would try to argue with them! I'd say..:

"But....I'm just human. I can't always know everything! I asked if everything was okay."

or even

"The Atonement forgives everything!"

But they'd keep at it, and eventually I'd give in and admit that they were right, I was awful...and my bus would change directions.

Finally, I decided that I just had to drive in my own direction, come rain or shine, and each came back, but this time I did not respond. Even with them screaming in my face:

"Look at me when I'm talking to you!! You are a horrible person! Don't forget that!"

They said their piece, and I kept driving. 

But then they all came at once. All four of them stood in front of me and yelled, shook their fists--faces livid and words biting and terrible and horridly poignant; all these words I had said to myself at one point or another. Finally, the teacher came and put his hands on my shoulders and had us sit down.

I was shaking at this point. Such a vivid portrayal of my thoughts and feelings and personal insecurities was almost too much for me to handle. The emotions in my heart were terrible and dark. 

But my teacher made the case that we can choose to drive the punk's route--a meaningless, dangerous, unfulfilling circle, or we can drive the route we value, come rain, shine, or pain from punks. 

It was so visual, so strong, and I still never really know what to think of it. I know that I should be able to do, but can I pursue my life in the midst of such adversity, such horrid negativity (from myself, even)? 

But life is a spectrum of colors. If it weren't, then it would be black. Nothing would be visible. You bring things to light by hiding all around them in shadows. Nature's principles are echoed in life; if all were sunshine and daisies, what value would the sunshine and daisies really hold?

It made me question whether the things that are frustrating me are really worth pursuing? Can I feel this awfulness and still sign up for it every day? Does the joy warrant the pain? 

The Savior says simply this: "How long can rolling waters remain impure?" (D&C  121:33)