There are no words to describe this post.

I've been skirting around this issue for a few months, trying to distract myself with all those "Meaningful to me" posts. I know I actually only posted 3, but I had 5 pre-written. I just got tired of dawdling around what the real issue is.

I'm feeling things. Not just like "Oh-I'm-a-Girl-and-once-in-a-while-I-need-to-cry-to-reset-my-hormones" kind of way. It's in a more serious way. So strong it makes it hard to breathe sometimes. Everything makes me cry! I listen to a dumb song and I start tearing up in the BYU Library thinking about how the artist probably really feels all those things I'm feeling just listening to this song. Sometimes I read things and carry this heavy sadness in my heart for people I've never met, some who don't exist, I carry it with me all day. I see people sad on campus and my eyes get watery and I just want to walk up and put my arm around them, but I'd rather not get arrested for attempted sexual harassment, so I don't.

And don't worry, it's not all sad--sometimes it's very happy. I read things and can't stop myself from smiling all day. I see parents with their new babies and my emotions get out of hand and oh look, there's the crying thing again because I can feel their happiness in my soul. I look at my husband and all I can think about is how much I really love him, and how lucky I am that he agreed to be stuck with me forever, and isn't that little piece of hair sticking up over his ear just adorable and then I just want to cuddle him and tell him I love him over and over through those dang tears.

But it isn't just that I'm feeling things. It isn't that I'm feeling these things so strongly, and that they won't stop. I stand around all the time with this ache in my soul--whether it be sad or happy, it aches--and I don't know how to express. Even just writing about it here makes it flare up and then I feel like I'm going to cry.

The point is what the feelings mean. Behind all these emotions is a little voice whispering at me. It whispers a lot of things. Those things are still confusing me, though I've puzzled over them constantly. The voice wants me to create--to put my emotions down in a tangible way. But clearer than anything else that the voice whispers at me comes the insistence:

"Write." 

And it scares me. It scares me so much. Write what? Write about who? How do I put my deepest feelings on paper? What if people laugh at me? What if it doesn't come out right? How do I work up the courage to be brave enough to open up my soul and write? It's already difficult to deal with so much feeling all the time. What will happen if I let myself get immersed in it?

These questions have been trapped in my mind, turning over and flip-flopping around, beating themselves against the invisible walls of my soul until they're bruised and tired. I just can't fight them anymore. It's almost to the point where not writing is just as painful as thinking about writing feels.

But what do I write about? I'm sorry, there's not going to be a point, a rhyme, or any sort of reason to this post. I'm confused, I'm full and I'm scared. I don't know what is going on, but it's going and I feel like I'm being dragged along.

Something big is coming in my life--I can feel it. I think that's why the voice is insisting that I write. Maybe my words will be powerful--not necessarily for anyone else--maybe just for me in my life. There are things in my journals that I still remember writing, word-for-word, years ago. I think it might be that I need the power of my own words. I wasn't made to hide my soul behind me. I have always needed to see it laid out in front of me to really understand it.

So I'm going to write. And I'm just going to be honest in it. I need this, I need to write. It'll probably be a lot. And about everything. But it will be my heart. It's scary for me to do it. Please be gentle with me.