What I Need Most

It's been a long time since I've felt like I did today.

This last couple of weeks have been hard. I've been struggling to hit capacity. I have never ever had so many things to do, and I'll be honest...they're not all getting done. I'm getting tired--physically and mentally and spiritually. I'm trying so hard, and I feel nothing is coming from it.

Every Sunday, my ward does "ward prayer"--we get together, sing a song, and then the bishop shares a message with us, and we get down on our knees and pray together. I don't usually go--I'm usually not home for it.

But this week I went. And it's a good thing I did. A girl in my ward sang the song I posted above--it was beautiful, and it really set me thinking....and then my Bishop got up to talk.

He talked about a phrase that we say in our prayers a lot:

"Heavenly Father, please forgive me for my sins and weaknesses."

We discussed the difference between sins and weakness (singular) and he shared 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake:

For when I am weak, then I am strong."

It occurred to me just then that I need to stop worrying about "being superman", I suppose. I can't catch everything. But I can if I admit my weakness and turn my life over to God. He will help me to do what I need, and the rest will fall into/out of place as is necessary.

Lullaby

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZ3HRiYmCO8&feature=related

I don't care if you love or hate Billy Joel. Click this link and delight in this a Capella cover of his song "Lullaby (Goodnight My Angel)"

I have a few words to say about these lyrics:

"someday we'll all be gone,
but lullabies go on and on.
they never die--
that's how you and I will be."

Or:

"I promised I would never leave you
and you should always know--
wherever you may go
no matter you are,
I never will be far away."

Or even:

"someday your child may cry
and if you sing this lullaby
there in your heart
there will always be a part of me."

and especially:

"I'm rocking you to sleep--
the water's dark and deep
inside this ancient heart
you'll always be a part of me."

I am totally singing this song to my children. It is so beautiful. So....heart-warming.

This song embodies what love for a child should sound like, if such love had a sound. It would be comforting, patient, kind and harmonious. Soft, and wave-y.
Beautiful.

Full of the spirit and joy and happiness.

You know me, Lord.

Life is truly insane.

A snapshot:

Standing in a church gym juggling cameras, when the warm weight of a tiny life settles into my arms. My heart swells and a life stretches out before me. My body shifts back and forth, rocking, soothing, calming--pacifying me as well as the little one--without my conscious decision to do so. The round little cheeks, his fingers closing around my sleeves. I'm so overcome by the miracle of this little life that I fear I might get emotional, right here in this crowded room. The moment is so personal, so spiritual, and my eyes find another familiar pair--smiling, loving, understanding my heart.

Such a beautiful moment--a moment where, in a rare spot of clarity, God sees fit to show me a little piece of eternity, of total joy.

Another snapshot:

Tired eyes and messy hair--the sun shining through half-closed blinds. Sitting at the kitchen table listening. Shock. Disbelief. Even almost tears. Elation--the lift of a tremendous surprise--another life stretching out before me now. Something exotic? Something foreign? Something terribly difficult. Losing myself for God, so that he can make me into something more. Bicycles and sensible shoes. I feel so excited at the possibility of something I've been dreaming my whole life. I want to share that with everyone I possibly can! But I do not find those eyes, and I see instead that my news means other things as well...

This moment represented pure surprise--and intense pleasure. A moment where God's blessings are truly infinite and his grace complete.

The juxtaposition creates a necessity for faith. It creates a new snapshot--one of me on my knees pleading, begging, crying. The only clear thought I really have is "You know me, Lord. You know my desires."

But really? These are our lives. This is what they're made of. Decisions. Choices. Heart-wrenching moments where the things you truly desire are brought into sharp focus.

In some moments today, I have felt utterly resolved. I have felt torn, heartbroken. I have felt silly for worrying about a problem that I have already solved. I have felt demoralized for feeling unsure. I have leaned both ways. I have sat on the floor and cried.

Recent advice I received said that in order to get off the fence and stay off, you must get off the fence and sit in the grass on one side or the other. If the grass feels right, then stay. If it doesn't, you can always get back on or hop to the other side.

In life sometimes, instead of sitting on a fence, you hold two pictures. The choice is not necessarily the most beautiful picture, but the picture that will give your soul greatest satisfaction. And it must be you that makes it.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could..."

--Robert Frost