One Small Step

And I know it's gonna be a hard day
And you won't come out of this the same
No.
But my love will be your strength for tonight.
We'll take it one small step
two at a time.
One Small Step.

The Sweetest Thing

Click on the link on the video thing that lets you watch it directly on YouTube. I cannot tell you how worth your time this video will be--9 minutes of your life that you couldn't spend better. 

This man wrote a song for his wife of 75 years who had just passed away a month before. That's all I'll say before you watch it. Serious. Watch it! You clicked the link, you obviously have nothing seriously better to do. Just watch it.

This is the sweetest thing I have ever seen. EVER. I cried so hard watching it, especially when he puts the headphones on and the song starts. I didn't think that the song would be good because there's hardly ever any instances where you can transfer something successfully from imagination--someone's soul--to reality. But Fred's face when the guitars start and when the song ends...it's just fantastic.

But the Green Shoes Studio did! And maybe it's not my place to say that--the song was not in MY soul, after all. That being said, I think that they did it in a way that Fred could enjoy it as well as the other people who listen to it. It was lovely and beautiful! You don't hear music like this very often. The vocals are soft and very emotive, almost like Fred is singing it himself. The chord progressions are perfect. It's the kind of music quietly invites the Spirit to be around. And the lyrics! Fred always refers to her as "Sweet Lorraine". It's so heartfelt. I love how simply he states his feelings:

"I wish we could do 

all the good times 

over again"

But while the music and lyrics were lovely, it was not just those things that made me cry. It was the stark look at myself and my life and what I have to be grateful for that made me cry. He says something that is sad to me:

                                        "Life only goes around once

and never again."

I just...I wish that I could share the knowledge that I have with Fred. He thinks that the happiness that he and Lorraine have shared together is over, but what he doesn't know is that death is most definitely not the end of their happiness. Someday they will be reunited and they will be happy together again!

I can only imagine Fred's face as he passes through the veil of death and sees Lorraine's sweet, smiling face as she greets him with a loving embrace. I wish that someone would tell Fred that it's not over! He doesn't have to move on! His life with Lorraine has just begun! There is a way that they can be together forever. Fred doesn't have to spend the rest of his life simply remembering all the good times they had.

It got me thinking. Let me tell you a little about my day today:

It was the second day of school for me at BYU. I don't know what possessed me to fill my schedule up like I did, but I am taking 16 credits and working two jobs. I have spent the last two days running around campus like a madwoman--scaring all the freshmen, I'm sure--and to top it all off, I have a cold and feel very under-the-weather. I got very frustrated and discouraged today. I said and did things in my frustration that I'm not very proud of. I have not been a very good wife today. Or yesterday.

And in the little self-pity pit full of homework and anger I had dug for myself, I found this video. I was filled with a mixture of deep sorrow and self-hatred. Fred just said goodbye to his spouse, thinking that he's lost her forever, and I am failing to treat mine as I know I should, knowing that I get to keep him forever. How can I, with the immense knowledge I am blessed with (this is ETERNAL LIFE guys!), fail to appropriately show gratitude for and to the greatest blessing that God has ever seen fit to bestow upon me? Not only has God given me such a wonderful man to share this life with, he has even allowed me, despite my vastly imperfect state, to spend the rest of eternity with him as well.

How could I ever allow such a trivial thing to dictate my behavior in such a way?

It is true, I do want to act out in my frustration. I do. It's a release.
But what do I want MOST?

More than anything, I want to raise a family with my beloved husband. 

I want to enjoy a life as happy as Fred and Lorraine's, and when it ends, I want to pick it back up when we are reunited in the presence of God. 

I want to look into his eyes and know that he understands how dear to me he is.

I want him to feel supported and strong and happy. 

I want him to know I am fighting through this life to spend forever with him. 

Thank you, Fred. For helping me to look at myself and appreciate what I have. The next time I feel frustrated or upset or tempted to lash out and undervalue the goodness in my life, I'll remember you and Lorraine, and hopefully I will choose to act in a way that will honor the great gifts that God has given me. 

Oh Yes. I went There.

Marriage. 

Yup. In just 98 days, I am going to be married. To this boy (I love this picture. He's such a goof, and I'm such a goof, and our personalities fit together so beautifully. Also, we match here, which happens ridiculously often, completely accidentally). It's such a huge deal, a huge commitment that I've spent a great deal of time thinking about what it means.

Marriage. 

And though I know most of you (though a smaller number than I think should be humanly possible) are not married and/or expecting to be married soon, I think that I'd like to share a few of the things that I've been thinking. 

First of all, what is marriage? One thing that is different about Alan versus other boys that I've dated is that he is my best friend. Not like "Oh-we're-dating-and-I-tell-you-things-so-you'll-think-I'm-cute-and-cuz-I-think-you're-cute". He is truly my best friend. The one person I can talk about anything with, who always knows what I'm thinking and can finish my sentences (and I can finish his, too). Not because we're the exact same person, but because we know each other--we've taken the time to talk and understand the small things about each other. I know what scares him more than anything else. I know his very favorite type of food. He knows what grosses me out beyond reason. He knows my very first childhood memory. I know his favorite Disney Princess, and I think that this is what marriage is supposed to be; it's supposed to build upon the friendship that you already have. It's the chance to take this knowledge about each other and use it to uplift and inspire the other person. I've never had a relationship that was quite the same way.

I look at my parents. And so can you, for a moment.

Aren't they so wonderful and adorable? Sometimes I look at them and shake my head. They are as opposite as two people can get. My mom is very emotional and guided by feelings and impressions. This has helped her a lot to understand how my siblings and I feel when we're suffering--whatever it may be. She becomes our advocate in the face of punishment. She is very sympathetic, and more than once has she shed tears along with me when I am sad. It is a great strength that she possesses. My father, on the other hand, is very rational; his thoughts and beliefs guide him. This means that when I have a dilemma and don't know what to choose or do or believe, he will use his magnificent power of rationality to not simply tell me what to do, but to guide me into making my own decisions. He has always been the best person to help me understand what it is I think and believe. It's also a great strength that he possesses. 

This is not to say that neither has the capacity for the other gift. My dad is a very sensitive man (rumor has it, though I cannot confirm it for sure, that he writes poems for my mom on Valentine's Day), and I know he loves me very deeply. My mom is really good at organizing events (like planning a wedding--who the heck is supposed to know that Sam's Club has the best deals on daisies, or that I really wanted a certain type of dress? My mom does) and knowing what it is I will prefer in other areas. 

But they are just so different....and it becomes very apparent sometimes. There are times when it gets in the way of their communication, when it prevents them from seeing eye-to-eye on every issue they come across. But I never doubt that they love each other, and I never doubt that their marriage is absolutely ordained of God. The sweetest thing for me to see while I still lived at home (though I'd gag and turn my face when it happened) was my Dad passing by the living room, leaning down to give my mom a kiss--of course sloppy and exaggerated for our benefit--just because.

They are the picture of a beautiful, hopeful, god-sustained marriage. 

I love taking pictures of Alan. He doesn't like having pictures taken of him, but I just love his smile--it's so kind and genuine, and that's very hard to capture in a picture. He, however, gets it every time. Lately when I put my camera up to take his picture, I wonder....how can I take my relationship with this man who is so different than I am and help turn it into the beautiful relationship that my parents have? Alan and I are opposites as well. I am...well, if you read this you probably already have a sense of what I'm like. I'm so lazy it's criminal. I am often unmotivated and unsure about which action to take. I can't always see the way that details work out in the bigger picture. I deal a lot in emotion as well. My game plan is often to simply to pursue one course of action and....see how it feels. I cannot run on less than 9 hours of sleep. Alan is the opposite. He is so driven it's criminal. He's extremely motivated and always sure of which action he should take. He's better at looking at the details of a situation and sometimes gets lost in the bigger picture. He deals in rationalism. He will map out every possible course of action and spend eons evaluating the pros and cons of each. He often runs on 4 or 5 hours of sleep and still manages to be more productive than me at my 9.

But I can already see how he is changing me, and I him, for the better. He has learned to chill out (my specialty) and my grades have begun to improve dramatically. There are times when we click, when my reaction to a situation is exactly what he needed, or vice-versa. I remember once when both of us were incredibly stressed out last semester--almost to the breaking point. Our relationship was struggling, school was hard to handle, and there were many things hindering feelings of peace and happiness. Alan curled up on the couch, and I sat down next to him and put my arms around him. We sat like that for a long time, dejected and hopeless and sad. Then, prompted by the spirit, we got up, grabbed an Ensign, and read a talk together. After the talk, we said a prayer together and were able to feel the hope and peace we had been grasping at in order to continue our homework. That moment, though small and simple, will probably always live in the front of my memory. It was so powerful--I've never connected spiritually with another person like that. It was a fantastic feeling. It was something I'd never experienced before--and that's what excites me about marriage. New, breathtaking experiences!

I believe that marriage is the greatest adventure you could ever hope to embark on. The world disagrees, and as a result (sadly), I think that some of us who believe in the sanctity of marriage have begun to lean towards that attitude. It's not easy. The world portrays a lot of strong men and women, unmarried, doing pretty great things. James Bond, am I right? Who would he be if he were married? Not off doing cool-io spy things.....he'd be at home, changing diapers and setting the table and mowing the lawn. How about The Black Widow (yes, Scarlett Johansson)? If she were married, she'd probably need to be home to make sure money gets to the paperboy, not out kicking butt with the Avengers. However, we have the words of prophets and even/especially the scriptures to testify to the contrary. 

My New Testament teacher talked about the story of Adam and Eve to exemplify this. 

"And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.

And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.

And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;

And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." (Genesis 2:19-24)

The thing that she emphasized here is that Adam was given the task of naming all the animals (rather difficult and tedious), and in the process, noticed that each animal had a partner of sorts--male, female. But he was all alone--"there was not found an help meet for him." It was only after this that God gave him Eve, once he could appreciate that there was need for her. God gave Eve to Adam and commanded that they be one flesh. 

If this applies to Adam...why not every person after him? Even at the end, it is said "Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife" not "just in this instance did ONE man need to get a wife." Marriage was divinely instituted from the very beginning. If Adam had decided, right before Eve came along, to say "Hey, yeah, God? I think I'm gonna go be an outdoors explorer instead of a husband. I'm gonna study animals and plants, and then I'm gonna solve the crimes they commit and spend my life among them instead of being married." Guess what? None of us would be here. Nope. None of us. 

Going back to my rant about the world's view of marriage, I'm going to pause to speak up about something that has bothered me for a long time. Not only does the world feature portrayals of unmarried men and women being totally awesome....but it frowns upon portrayals of marriage. Take, for instance, (yep, I'm going there) Twilight. (PS: for all of you who say Kristen Stewart can't smile on camera---pfffbt!)

If I were to tell this story in an objective, non-twilight-supernatural-creepy-vampire way, most LDS people would be delighted to hear it! A story about a girl whose inner potential and divinity was realized through the most important relationship she can hope to form in life--marriage and motherhood? Ooh yay! Isn't that what we believe? That a man and a woman cannot attain their highest potential without each other? After all, Adam did say that Eve was "bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh." Just because Bella didn't do something crazy and earth-shattering (like Katniss Everdeen in starting a freaking revolution), she is ridiculed, even by those who believe that marriage is sacred and divine. 

Take, for instance, THIS PICTURE (which, can I say, I am highly disgusted with. I pinned it just because I was that appalled. Go ahead, you're already here. Click it). Who are these people to say that Marriage is any less noble of a cause than saving a galaxy or starting a rebellion? The reality is this: not everyone can change the world in such a visible, overt way. But who do you think shapes those that do? Their mothers and fathers. And in this, God has declared the most divine of responsibilities.

In "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," a work that we believe to be direct revelation from God,  it states that "the family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity...by divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." 

To me, this always sounded like the most vital job on earth! David O McKay often said "No other success can compensate for failure in the home." I agree. There is nothing more important than being in a home with a family, and that necessarily starts with a marriage.

Along these same lines....some of you may have read this post of mine from when the mission age for girls and guys changed. I had wanted this all my life, and many of my friends, especially girls, have accepted the call and submitted their papers (check out THIS POST from my friend who is very excited to go to Yekaterinburg, Russia). My cousin left a few months before the age changed to serve a mission of her own in San Fernando, California. I struggled a lot with this. I had already prayed and gotten the confirmation I needed in order to continue preparing to be married, but I had so desired this my whole life. I didn't know what to do! I fought primarily against feelings of inadequacy. If I didn't serve a mission, if I chose to be married instead, would the Lord consider me inferior to other girls who served a mission? I suppose I wondered, in my own heart, if marriage was perhaps inferior to a mission (I had gotten sucked into that awful ideology). 

(This is my cousin Kaeley and her call--I'm so proud of her) 

My Dad offered me advice. He cited the story of John and Peter. Before the Savior left them, he asked to give each of his disciples one thing that they wanted. Peter replied that he wanted to serve Him faithfully until the end of his life and then return back to live with Him. The Savior commended him, granted it, and asked John what he wanted. John asked to remain on the earth without tasting death to preach the gospel and prepare for Christ's return. The Savior commended him and granted it also. Peter, however, was left feeling a little inadequate (as I'm sure we all would have). Jesus assured him that his desire was just as good and faithful and noble as John's. Neither was better. My Dad helped me to see that neither serving a mission or getting married, for me at least, was the 'better' choice. If I felt that I needed to be married, then I should do that. As I prayed and pondered, I felt peace in my decision to stay behind. 

Alan once told me of a time when he was involved in the clean-up after a devastating natural disaster. He said that he was so eager to go out, get dirty, and help clean homes up and really get onto the front line of the service. Somehow, in the confusion of everything, he was left behind at a church building and instead of being able to play the hero like he wanted, helped with the behind-the-scenes of the clean-up. He helped set up tables, take them down, prepare food and offer comfort to survivors. What Alan told me was that this experience opened his eyes up to the fact that there must always be people behind the scenes, taking care of the logistics of an operation so that the front line fighters can succeed. 

Though being a wife and eventually mother is not a front-line position, it is an important one nonetheless, and today I feel no qualms about getting married instead of serving a mission. My time will come. My purpose is divine, just like everyone else's, and I am doing my best to follow the Spirit to ensure the fruition of that divine potential. 

I suppose, here at the end, that I must again come back to this man that I love:

It will always come back to him.

Though our relationship hasn't always been rainbows and butterflies, we somehow always m anage to make it through. At times when our hearts are broken and there seems to be no hope for success, we press on and work through it together. We are always able to say a prayer, pick each other up, and keep going. We haven't given up yet, and I don't plan on ever giving up. He is the reason for my hope in marriage.

 He is the reason for so much of my personal growth, and he is the reason that I can look forward to the rest of my life as an adventure! I know that if he and I stay close to each other and to the Lord, there is no challenge that we can't handle, no storm we can't weather, no mountain we can't climb (insert any other applicable cliches). I am excited. 

So excited, in fact, that I was able to overlook my dislike for this movie and cry during the clip when it was shown in class. Yup. He's definitely changing me.

And I hope I can do the same for him.

Out of these Ashes

Yes I will riseOut of these ashes riseFrom this trouble I have foundAnd this rubble on the groundI will rise
Cause He who is in meIs greater than I will ever beAnd I will rise

Of late, I've been thinking a lot about my own inadequacies and weaknesses. I'm sure that you, like me, are troubled and discouraged by your own. I've been learning, lately, though, that if I just throw up my hands when I falter, I will go nowhere. 
This song ("Rise by Shawn McDonald") popped up on my Valentine's Day playlist, and as I've been listening to it over and over again, I've been contemplating what exactly it means to "rise". Can I ever really rise on my own? I don't think so. But the words of this song: "he who is in me is greater than I will ever be" have struck me deeply. 
If I strive to make Christ "he who is in me," I will rise each time I fall. 
Sometimes my heart is on the groundAnd hope is nowhere to be foundLove is a figment I once knewAnd yet I hold on to what I know is trueAnd yes I hold on, I hold onto You
Well I keep on coming to this placeThat I don't know quite how to faceSo I lay down my life in hopes to dieThat somehow I might rise
I have a quote on my wall by Bruce R McConkie. It reads as follows: 
"We don't need to get a complex...that you have to be perfect to be saved. You don't. There's only been one perfect person, and that's the Lord Jesus, but in order to be saved in the Kingdom of God and in order to pass the test of mortality, what you have to do is get on the straight and narrow path - thus charting a course leading to eternal life - and then, being on that path, pass out of this life in full fellowship. I'm not saying that you don't have to keep the commandments. I'm saying you don't have to be perfect to be saved. If you did, no one would be saved...Now is the time and the day of your salvation, so if you're working zealously in this life - though you haven't fully overcome the world and you haven't done all you hoped you might do - you're still going to be saved."
It is in these moments that my heart so yearns to be good and worthy of saving, yet I remain so painfully aware of my own imperfections. It is in these moments that my heart is reassured. I can still have those righteous things that I desperately want. I can still move forward as long as I keep fighting, as long as Christ is "he who is in me," I will continue to rise. 
Yes I will riseOut of these ashes riseFrom this trouble I have foundAnd this rubble on the groundI will rise
Cause He who is in meIs greater than I will ever beAnd I will rise

"I was hoping that you and I...."

I promised myself my Vampire Diaries obsession would stay hidden...but this.

This changed things.

For those of you who know what I'm talking about....I am strongly opposed to Stefan and Elena.

I like Damon. I think he's secretly the better brother. I think it's cruel of the Producers/Writers of the show to keep him always in pain.

But this scene changed my mind. The bond between Stefan and Elena....his face when she says his name?

Love is sharing things. Love is sharing pain as well as joy. Love is...this scene. That one person who can offer comfort in the midst of the most horrible feelings you've ever felt.

I even would argue that the pain on Stefan's face as she tells him she loves him is a manifestation of love as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFC0DdcPUW0&feature=related

I feel like....I was expecting to really hate Stefan...but instead of hating him, I really sympathize with him in this scene. Painfully so.

The Wheels on the Bus...

This is life.

When you say "I can't be happy until...."

or

                     "I can't move forward until..."

You are making life this:

In a class once we did an exercise. We took a problem I'd been having, a frustration of sorts, and we listed my expectations for it up on the board. Then, we listed everything that was not living up to those expectations. It was difficult for me to open up so totally about such a frustration. 

Then the real fun began. We acted out a scenario. 

I pretended to drive a bus....just driving, you know, my route. Then, all of a sudden, these four punks came up to me, you know, doing what punks do. They heckled me, they told me that I must change my route to a simple circle in the worst part of town, or they would hurt me. 

But they did this in the form of my own thoughts. Each of the four, in succession, came up to me and regurgitated my own insecurities about myself. 

"You should have known better. If you were a really good person, you would have been able to tell and help him/her out! Rachel. Don't kid yourself. You can't even help those closest to you. How will you ever do good in the world?"

or even 

"I don't know why you're expecting to get anything you want. You don't deserve it. You make the same mistakes over and over again. Haven't you ever heard of forsaking your sins?"

and I would try to argue with them! I'd say..:

"But....I'm just human. I can't always know everything! I asked if everything was okay."

or even

"The Atonement forgives everything!"

But they'd keep at it, and eventually I'd give in and admit that they were right, I was awful...and my bus would change directions.

Finally, I decided that I just had to drive in my own direction, come rain or shine, and each came back, but this time I did not respond. Even with them screaming in my face:

"Look at me when I'm talking to you!! You are a horrible person! Don't forget that!"

They said their piece, and I kept driving. 

But then they all came at once. All four of them stood in front of me and yelled, shook their fists--faces livid and words biting and terrible and horridly poignant; all these words I had said to myself at one point or another. Finally, the teacher came and put his hands on my shoulders and had us sit down.

I was shaking at this point. Such a vivid portrayal of my thoughts and feelings and personal insecurities was almost too much for me to handle. The emotions in my heart were terrible and dark. 

But my teacher made the case that we can choose to drive the punk's route--a meaningless, dangerous, unfulfilling circle, or we can drive the route we value, come rain, shine, or pain from punks. 

It was so visual, so strong, and I still never really know what to think of it. I know that I should be able to do, but can I pursue my life in the midst of such adversity, such horrid negativity (from myself, even)? 

But life is a spectrum of colors. If it weren't, then it would be black. Nothing would be visible. You bring things to light by hiding all around them in shadows. Nature's principles are echoed in life; if all were sunshine and daisies, what value would the sunshine and daisies really hold?

It made me question whether the things that are frustrating me are really worth pursuing? Can I feel this awfulness and still sign up for it every day? Does the joy warrant the pain? 

The Savior says simply this: "How long can rolling waters remain impure?" (D&C  121:33)

What I Need Most

It's been a long time since I've felt like I did today.

This last couple of weeks have been hard. I've been struggling to hit capacity. I have never ever had so many things to do, and I'll be honest...they're not all getting done. I'm getting tired--physically and mentally and spiritually. I'm trying so hard, and I feel nothing is coming from it.

Every Sunday, my ward does "ward prayer"--we get together, sing a song, and then the bishop shares a message with us, and we get down on our knees and pray together. I don't usually go--I'm usually not home for it.

But this week I went. And it's a good thing I did. A girl in my ward sang the song I posted above--it was beautiful, and it really set me thinking....and then my Bishop got up to talk.

He talked about a phrase that we say in our prayers a lot:

"Heavenly Father, please forgive me for my sins and weaknesses."

We discussed the difference between sins and weakness (singular) and he shared 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake:

For when I am weak, then I am strong."

It occurred to me just then that I need to stop worrying about "being superman", I suppose. I can't catch everything. But I can if I admit my weakness and turn my life over to God. He will help me to do what I need, and the rest will fall into/out of place as is necessary.