Psshshhhfffftbbtt

Yes. This is my first, very official "Admit-it-Rachel-you-have-no-idea-what-you're-doing" post.

Because I'm here to admit it. I have no idea what I'm doing.

Can I put forth a little picture here? My feelings in semi-visual form? This has been something bouncing around my head for a couple of days now....

I'm at the pool. It's crowded and hot and the water is crammed full of wet, energetic bodies. Those I have come with are near--behind me fumbling with flip-flops and sunscreen and sunglasses, with "oh! she sees me!" or "is he looking at me?", juggling well-guarded egos and carefully crafted identities. I glance behind me to watch this scene, but step sideways quickly as they set off at a run, bare feet padding on the concrete, running, running, until the water explodes and they sink under.

They laugh and giggle and beckon me closer--but I cannot move. I simply stand there, feelings and skin frightfully bare in my summer bathing suit, so bare and empty that I fear if I move, I will suddenly become so painfully visible to everyone around.

But I must move. And I do. Not a footstep uncarefully placed, I mark the steps, every inch closer to to the pool's edge. But I don't jump. That's just not how I am. Instead, I lean down, and only let the water submerge my ankles. And appropriately so! The ice-cold bites at my toes, and I find myself unable to find the motivation to move--unable to move into the water, unable to get out.

Just sitting on the side of the pool.

Sometimes I feel like this in life. It happened before I came to college here. My whole summer consisted of sitting on the edge of the pool, watching others jump in and splash around. I couldn't get used to the idea of changing my life so drastically, but I couldn't, in good conscience, back out and stay home forever.

It ended up being a slipping-in kind of thing. Somehow, without my knowledge, I fell into adulthood, into college, into life on my own.

This is an okay slipping-in. There are some things in life that I am not willing to slip into. Some things that, no matter how many things line up and come together for, I will never be able to do without full confidence in the outcome.

And until I feel full confidence in that outcome, I'll just be the scared, unsure girl, sitting on the side of the pool.

But really, is there anything wrong with that? President Hinckley sat on the edge of his pool before attending school for the first time, and his parents let him wait a year. Should I really go for something before I feel I'm ready to? College ended up being a fantastic endeavor, something akin to jumping into warm water when nothing less than ice-cold was expected.

But will I get lucky in everything else? Can I always jump into a warm pool? Do I always want to?  (Beyond all this--how far can I stretch this ridiculous metaphor?!)

Anyway. One final question: what if my refusal to jump in were to hurt those already in the water?