Lemony Snicket Saves My Day, Unacknowledged.

This is not the post I was intending to write.

{"The way sadness works is one of the strangest riddles of the world." Lemony Snicket}

This is another one of those posts where I have no clue what I'm doing. I'm kind of just doing. Feeling. I do that lately. I don't know how to stop it.

I cry. I feel things. ALL. THE. TIME.

{"Unless you have been very, very lucky, you have undoubtedly experienced events in your life that have made you cry. So unless you have been very, very, very lucky, you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit." Lemony Snicket}

like watching the rain. that makes me emotional. ridiculous, right?

silly movies. they make me emotional. Like....The Fall. That movie made me cry--but not just cry, it made me sob. Brave made me cry like a baby, too. There were parts where The Dark Knight Rises made me tear up a little.

{"At times the world may seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first steps of a journey." Lemony Snicket} 

Even Sam and Dean make me cry. And there's like....22 episodes to a season. So that means...a lot of crying. Over everything. Dean showing Sam how to fix the car....Sam's face after four months of thinking Dean was dead...and especially this moment:

and this one:


{“Nowhere in the world is safe," Count Olaf said. 
Not with you around," Violet agreed.
I'm no worse than anyone else," Count Olaf said.” Lemony Snicket}

People make me cry. Something as simple as "Heavenly Father, thank you that Rachel could come home" sends me almost over the edge. The mental image of my mother and sisters and brother pushing and pulling a handcart up a hill made me cry. Babies make me cry. A familiar voice on the phone saying "Hey" always pulls at my heartstrings.

{"Grief, a type of sadness that most often occurs when you have lost someone you love, is a sneaky thing, because it can disappear for a long time, and then pop back up when you least expect it." Lemony Snicket}

This made me cry, which is less of a non-normal thing. Music does that to me, and this, with the images in my head and the colors. My heart broke a little.

But mostly, I'm just left wondering if I can't stop feeling things.

If I can't stop missing people when they move or vacation or go on living when I leave or forget me.

If I can't stop feeling disappointed in myself when I can't be everything everyone needs me to be all at once. When all I know how to be is Rachel and it doesn't feel like it's good enough.

{"Perhaps if we saw what was ahead of us, and glimpsed the follies, and misfortunes that would befall us later one, we would all stay in our mother's wombs, and then there would be nobody in the world but a great number of very fat, very irritated women." Lemony Snicket}

If I can't stop laying awake at night contemplating the stars and feeling small and lonely.

If I can't stop watching the rain fall, wondering what happens to the individuality of each drop when it hits the ground.

If I can't stop fearing the day when someone I love will die or get hurt beyond repair.

{"People aren't either wicked or noble. They're like chef's salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict." Lemony Snicket}

If I can't stop holding things inside that desperately need to be said.

If I can't stop wanting to stop feeling.

Feeling small, feeling emotional, feeling not enough, feeling. Feeling. Feeling. Feeling.

{“It is a curious thing, but as one travels the world getting older and older, it appears that happiness is easier to get used to than despair. It is almost as if happiness is an acquired taste, like coconut cordial or ceviche, to which you can eventually become accustomed, but despair is something surprising each time you encounter it.” Lemony Snicket}

But the worst part? I don't even feel justified in feeling so freaking emotional. It's unreasonable and selfish. And I have no reason to continue feeling so. It's just mindless.

Where is the world? My mind?

How do I crawl out of the muddy, tear-filled pit that I've fallen into?

{"Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too." Lemony Snicket}

And how is it, that when the solution to happiness is staring me in the face, can I turn away and not feel right about it?

That I can insist it's not enough for me?

That I can be prideful enough to discredit a perfectly good shovel while I'm digging a hole?

{"Sometimes words are not enough." Lemony Snicket}