"I was hoping that you and I...."

I promised myself my Vampire Diaries obsession would stay hidden...but this.

This changed things.

For those of you who know what I'm talking about....I am strongly opposed to Stefan and Elena.

I like Damon. I think he's secretly the better brother. I think it's cruel of the Producers/Writers of the show to keep him always in pain.

But this scene changed my mind. The bond between Stefan and Elena....his face when she says his name?

Love is sharing things. Love is sharing pain as well as joy. Love is...this scene. That one person who can offer comfort in the midst of the most horrible feelings you've ever felt.

I even would argue that the pain on Stefan's face as she tells him she loves him is a manifestation of love as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFC0DdcPUW0&feature=related

I feel like....I was expecting to really hate Stefan...but instead of hating him, I really sympathize with him in this scene. Painfully so.

The Wheels on the Bus...

This is life.

When you say "I can't be happy until...."

or

                     "I can't move forward until..."

You are making life this:

In a class once we did an exercise. We took a problem I'd been having, a frustration of sorts, and we listed my expectations for it up on the board. Then, we listed everything that was not living up to those expectations. It was difficult for me to open up so totally about such a frustration. 

Then the real fun began. We acted out a scenario. 

I pretended to drive a bus....just driving, you know, my route. Then, all of a sudden, these four punks came up to me, you know, doing what punks do. They heckled me, they told me that I must change my route to a simple circle in the worst part of town, or they would hurt me. 

But they did this in the form of my own thoughts. Each of the four, in succession, came up to me and regurgitated my own insecurities about myself. 

"You should have known better. If you were a really good person, you would have been able to tell and help him/her out! Rachel. Don't kid yourself. You can't even help those closest to you. How will you ever do good in the world?"

or even 

"I don't know why you're expecting to get anything you want. You don't deserve it. You make the same mistakes over and over again. Haven't you ever heard of forsaking your sins?"

and I would try to argue with them! I'd say..:

"But....I'm just human. I can't always know everything! I asked if everything was okay."

or even

"The Atonement forgives everything!"

But they'd keep at it, and eventually I'd give in and admit that they were right, I was awful...and my bus would change directions.

Finally, I decided that I just had to drive in my own direction, come rain or shine, and each came back, but this time I did not respond. Even with them screaming in my face:

"Look at me when I'm talking to you!! You are a horrible person! Don't forget that!"

They said their piece, and I kept driving. 

But then they all came at once. All four of them stood in front of me and yelled, shook their fists--faces livid and words biting and terrible and horridly poignant; all these words I had said to myself at one point or another. Finally, the teacher came and put his hands on my shoulders and had us sit down.

I was shaking at this point. Such a vivid portrayal of my thoughts and feelings and personal insecurities was almost too much for me to handle. The emotions in my heart were terrible and dark. 

But my teacher made the case that we can choose to drive the punk's route--a meaningless, dangerous, unfulfilling circle, or we can drive the route we value, come rain, shine, or pain from punks. 

It was so visual, so strong, and I still never really know what to think of it. I know that I should be able to do, but can I pursue my life in the midst of such adversity, such horrid negativity (from myself, even)? 

But life is a spectrum of colors. If it weren't, then it would be black. Nothing would be visible. You bring things to light by hiding all around them in shadows. Nature's principles are echoed in life; if all were sunshine and daisies, what value would the sunshine and daisies really hold?

It made me question whether the things that are frustrating me are really worth pursuing? Can I feel this awfulness and still sign up for it every day? Does the joy warrant the pain? 

The Savior says simply this: "How long can rolling waters remain impure?" (D&C  121:33)

What I Need Most

It's been a long time since I've felt like I did today.

This last couple of weeks have been hard. I've been struggling to hit capacity. I have never ever had so many things to do, and I'll be honest...they're not all getting done. I'm getting tired--physically and mentally and spiritually. I'm trying so hard, and I feel nothing is coming from it.

Every Sunday, my ward does "ward prayer"--we get together, sing a song, and then the bishop shares a message with us, and we get down on our knees and pray together. I don't usually go--I'm usually not home for it.

But this week I went. And it's a good thing I did. A girl in my ward sang the song I posted above--it was beautiful, and it really set me thinking....and then my Bishop got up to talk.

He talked about a phrase that we say in our prayers a lot:

"Heavenly Father, please forgive me for my sins and weaknesses."

We discussed the difference between sins and weakness (singular) and he shared 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake:

For when I am weak, then I am strong."

It occurred to me just then that I need to stop worrying about "being superman", I suppose. I can't catch everything. But I can if I admit my weakness and turn my life over to God. He will help me to do what I need, and the rest will fall into/out of place as is necessary.

Lullaby

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZ3HRiYmCO8&feature=related

I don't care if you love or hate Billy Joel. Click this link and delight in this a Capella cover of his song "Lullaby (Goodnight My Angel)"

I have a few words to say about these lyrics:

"someday we'll all be gone,
but lullabies go on and on.
they never die--
that's how you and I will be."

Or:

"I promised I would never leave you
and you should always know--
wherever you may go
no matter you are,
I never will be far away."

Or even:

"someday your child may cry
and if you sing this lullaby
there in your heart
there will always be a part of me."

and especially:

"I'm rocking you to sleep--
the water's dark and deep
inside this ancient heart
you'll always be a part of me."

I am totally singing this song to my children. It is so beautiful. So....heart-warming.

This song embodies what love for a child should sound like, if such love had a sound. It would be comforting, patient, kind and harmonious. Soft, and wave-y.
Beautiful.

Full of the spirit and joy and happiness.

You know me, Lord.

Life is truly insane.

A snapshot:

Standing in a church gym juggling cameras, when the warm weight of a tiny life settles into my arms. My heart swells and a life stretches out before me. My body shifts back and forth, rocking, soothing, calming--pacifying me as well as the little one--without my conscious decision to do so. The round little cheeks, his fingers closing around my sleeves. I'm so overcome by the miracle of this little life that I fear I might get emotional, right here in this crowded room. The moment is so personal, so spiritual, and my eyes find another familiar pair--smiling, loving, understanding my heart.

Such a beautiful moment--a moment where, in a rare spot of clarity, God sees fit to show me a little piece of eternity, of total joy.

Another snapshot:

Tired eyes and messy hair--the sun shining through half-closed blinds. Sitting at the kitchen table listening. Shock. Disbelief. Even almost tears. Elation--the lift of a tremendous surprise--another life stretching out before me now. Something exotic? Something foreign? Something terribly difficult. Losing myself for God, so that he can make me into something more. Bicycles and sensible shoes. I feel so excited at the possibility of something I've been dreaming my whole life. I want to share that with everyone I possibly can! But I do not find those eyes, and I see instead that my news means other things as well...

This moment represented pure surprise--and intense pleasure. A moment where God's blessings are truly infinite and his grace complete.

The juxtaposition creates a necessity for faith. It creates a new snapshot--one of me on my knees pleading, begging, crying. The only clear thought I really have is "You know me, Lord. You know my desires."

But really? These are our lives. This is what they're made of. Decisions. Choices. Heart-wrenching moments where the things you truly desire are brought into sharp focus.

In some moments today, I have felt utterly resolved. I have felt torn, heartbroken. I have felt silly for worrying about a problem that I have already solved. I have felt demoralized for feeling unsure. I have leaned both ways. I have sat on the floor and cried.

Recent advice I received said that in order to get off the fence and stay off, you must get off the fence and sit in the grass on one side or the other. If the grass feels right, then stay. If it doesn't, you can always get back on or hop to the other side.

In life sometimes, instead of sitting on a fence, you hold two pictures. The choice is not necessarily the most beautiful picture, but the picture that will give your soul greatest satisfaction. And it must be you that makes it.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could..."

--Robert Frost

The Fighter

The Fray. Always a comfort.

I have a million things I could say about this song. I have a million reasons I'm listening to this song. The imagery and emotion in it is beautiful and absolutely captivating.

I feel the lover's and the fighter's plight--maybe we were meant to be lonely? But maybe we don't have to be all alone?

Especially when the fighter says "I know, I know, I know." That is my universal answer to everything--I'm always wrong, and I always know it. Even when I know the things I'm grasping at are right.

But what I feel is the most important line, the one I hope inspires self-reflection, will remain on its own:

"What breaks your bones,

             is not the load you're carrying

  what breaks you down

                is all in how you carry."

I'll Put my Future in You

I don't know what the deal is. But today...I'm in love with this music. It's so...profound, in a very real, very real person kind of way.

Here's the song that killed me: Small Bump (Full Screen the music vid--it's better that way)

The reason that I listened to this song was for the beat and the guitar. I liked it a lot. But then I kept listening.

"You're just a small bump unborn, 

in four months you're brought to life.

You might be left with my hair,

but you'll have your mother's eyes.

I'll hold your body in my hands,

as gentle as I can,

but for now you're a scan of my unmade plans.

A small bump,

in four months you're brought to life.

I'll whisper quietly, I'll give you nothing but truth,

If you're not inside me, I'll put my future in you.

You are my one and only,

you can wrap your fingers round my thumb

and hold me tight.

and you'll be alright.

You're just a small bump unknown,

you'll grow into your skin.

With a smile like hers,

and a dimple beneath your chin.

Fingernails the size of a half grain of rice,

And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide.

A small bump,

in four months you'll open your eyes

You can lie with me,

with your tiny feet.

When you're half asleep

I'll leave you be.

Right in front of me

For a couple weeks

So I can keep you safe."

And of course, silly, heart-melts for anything about babies, me...melted. It's not just the baby thing. It's the fact that he's heartfelt, he's a soon-to-be father (not really, this was written for a friend, but I didn't know that) and he's so tender about it, about all the tiny things about this new baby.

But then I started wondering why he was alone in the hospital--why he was in the hospital at all if the baby was still waiting for four months....and I heard this:

"You were just a small bump unborn

for four months then ripped from life.

Maybe you were needed up there

but we're still unaware as to why."

My heart broke. Really. There's nothing...I mean, I cannot even fathom what it means to be a mother. But I felt so connected with his anticipation of this child--talking about the little fingernails and little eyes and hair and.....I get so full of love for these children that I will have someday, even though I don't know them, I don't know what they'll look like, and I don't even know if they will come or when.

And then because I was so invested in this dream of his--in my dream as well, I was devastated when I discovered that it was not to be. Really. This is my biggest fear--first that I will not even be able to have my own children, and second that they won't make it all the way to me. It really tears me up to even imagine the kind of heartbreak that would cause--to be so anticipating such a beautiful thing....such a good thing to anticipate. 

Most of the the things I anticipate are dates on Friday nights and lenient teachers when I'm cutting a deadline close, or maybe the newest Maroon 5 CD, and I know how terribly strung out my heart is when I'm so desiring such things--and even when I know that these things won't matter in a year or a month or even a week. There were a lot of times when I knelt before my parents, begging to go to this or that, feeling so desperate in my heart. It seems so silly.

But I know that when I applied for my job as an RA, I wished so hard--my heart so ached for it, because I knew it was good, and I wanted that good in my life. I know in other instances, like watching the someone I love while they love someone else--my heart yearns for things to be different, because love is a good, right thing, and I know I am not wrong for wishing it. Kneeling before God, feeling so desperate in my heart for those things--for this opportunity to good for others, to make my life not about me. For the chance to love someone who really needed me, and who I so badly needed as well. And feeling all the more hopeless because I knew it was worth it.

And I know that losing one of those things would have been too much for my heart to handle. And I know that losing a child is too much for me to even pretend to understand how it would be. But I understand a portion of it, and am consequently all the more sympathetic. 

My eyes have really been opened up, and my heart, to those people who have dealt with this pain. 

And I'm sorry. 

This is life, right? Every day learning about someone else's challenges and struggles. Learning about a new way to open my heart and a new way to tear it in two sometimes as well. 

Becoming a new person--the person that God needs me to be.

Yes. The Vow. Sue me.

So...in my Nyquill induced sleep last night, I watched the Vow twice to make sure I got everything I love about that movie.

I noticed some new things.

Firstly, this movie shows love for real. I mean, come on! Leo's love for Paige is even purer than her parent's love for her--and I say that delicately, because I know I don't understand being a parent.

At the end she says:

"Thank you....you did everything! You accepted me for who I am and not for who you wanted me to be."

I just think....that is what love is. Letting someone be what they are, and loving them anyway.

Then, even though I hate Paige's mother, I was struck by what she says about her husband, who cheated on her.

"I chose to stay with him for all the things that he did right, and not leave him for the one thing that he did wrong."

And initially, I did not agree with her decision. But as I think about it, I realize that love requires that level of forgiveness and willingness to overlook faults.

Am I right? Maybe not. Oh well.

Love Her Mother

Though I know it will not come for years and years, one of the most anticipated, already treasured moments of my life is holding my first little girl. In some, inexplicable way, I already love her. I already worry about her. I look forward to the day when she becomes more than a thought, an idea, a warmth and I get to hold her in my arms.

But the thing that I look forward to most, honestly, is watching her father meet her for the first time. I will know her already, but he will not--and the expression of love and wonder and gratitude on his face is one that I have imagined in my head a thousand times.

I know that it will be a singular reward in itself to watch him help her grow and learn and especially come to understand just how precious she is in ways that only he will be able to--and it is for those reasons that this message touched me.

All the Ways

I love you quicker than a minute

I love you longer than an hour.

I love you like the honeybee

Loves buzzing round a flower.

I love you stronger than the wind

I love you softer than a cloud

I love when you are quiet

I love when you are loud.

I love you closer than your shadow

I love you further than the sun

I love you, too, when raindrops fall

one by one

by one.

I love you round and round the world

I love you through and through.

And when it seems impossible

To love you more...

I do.

--Theresa Trinder

Lemony Snicket Saves My Day, Unacknowledged.

This is not the post I was intending to write.

{"The way sadness works is one of the strangest riddles of the world." Lemony Snicket}

This is another one of those posts where I have no clue what I'm doing. I'm kind of just doing. Feeling. I do that lately. I don't know how to stop it.

I cry. I feel things. ALL. THE. TIME.

{"Unless you have been very, very lucky, you have undoubtedly experienced events in your life that have made you cry. So unless you have been very, very, very lucky, you know that a good, long session of weeping can often make you feel better, even if your circumstances have not changed one bit." Lemony Snicket}

like watching the rain. that makes me emotional. ridiculous, right?

silly movies. they make me emotional. Like....The Fall. That movie made me cry--but not just cry, it made me sob. Brave made me cry like a baby, too. There were parts where The Dark Knight Rises made me tear up a little.

{"At times the world may seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first steps of a journey." Lemony Snicket} 

Even Sam and Dean make me cry. And there's like....22 episodes to a season. So that means...a lot of crying. Over everything. Dean showing Sam how to fix the car....Sam's face after four months of thinking Dean was dead...and especially this moment:

and this one:


{“Nowhere in the world is safe," Count Olaf said. 
Not with you around," Violet agreed.
I'm no worse than anyone else," Count Olaf said.” Lemony Snicket}

People make me cry. Something as simple as "Heavenly Father, thank you that Rachel could come home" sends me almost over the edge. The mental image of my mother and sisters and brother pushing and pulling a handcart up a hill made me cry. Babies make me cry. A familiar voice on the phone saying "Hey" always pulls at my heartstrings.

{"Grief, a type of sadness that most often occurs when you have lost someone you love, is a sneaky thing, because it can disappear for a long time, and then pop back up when you least expect it." Lemony Snicket}

This made me cry, which is less of a non-normal thing. Music does that to me, and this, with the images in my head and the colors. My heart broke a little.

But mostly, I'm just left wondering if I can't stop feeling things.

If I can't stop missing people when they move or vacation or go on living when I leave or forget me.

If I can't stop feeling disappointed in myself when I can't be everything everyone needs me to be all at once. When all I know how to be is Rachel and it doesn't feel like it's good enough.

{"Perhaps if we saw what was ahead of us, and glimpsed the follies, and misfortunes that would befall us later one, we would all stay in our mother's wombs, and then there would be nobody in the world but a great number of very fat, very irritated women." Lemony Snicket}

If I can't stop laying awake at night contemplating the stars and feeling small and lonely.

If I can't stop watching the rain fall, wondering what happens to the individuality of each drop when it hits the ground.

If I can't stop fearing the day when someone I love will die or get hurt beyond repair.

{"People aren't either wicked or noble. They're like chef's salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict." Lemony Snicket}

If I can't stop holding things inside that desperately need to be said.

If I can't stop wanting to stop feeling.

Feeling small, feeling emotional, feeling not enough, feeling. Feeling. Feeling. Feeling.

{“It is a curious thing, but as one travels the world getting older and older, it appears that happiness is easier to get used to than despair. It is almost as if happiness is an acquired taste, like coconut cordial or ceviche, to which you can eventually become accustomed, but despair is something surprising each time you encounter it.” Lemony Snicket}

But the worst part? I don't even feel justified in feeling so freaking emotional. It's unreasonable and selfish. And I have no reason to continue feeling so. It's just mindless.

Where is the world? My mind?

How do I crawl out of the muddy, tear-filled pit that I've fallen into?

{"Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too." Lemony Snicket}

And how is it, that when the solution to happiness is staring me in the face, can I turn away and not feel right about it?

That I can insist it's not enough for me?

That I can be prideful enough to discredit a perfectly good shovel while I'm digging a hole?

{"Sometimes words are not enough." Lemony Snicket}

Slow Dancing

Sometimes I feel that things are slipping....

John Mayer puts forth a very powerful image in this song:

slow dancing in a room going down in flames. leisurely. knowing the room is burning...but....not getting out.

why not?

Better

In a world of voices
that say they have the answers
I escape the noises,
close my eyes and I turn
to the one who sees
all the pieces put together.
He knows me better.

He sees all I'm meant to be. I don't know yet all the things that I am to do, to be, to accomplish. But He does, and really, who am I to turn to others for validation, for advice, for answers?

He is the only one who really knows what's in store for me. On the chessboard that is my life, He can see it all laid out--He knows where all the pieces are, can see even when I cannot that the loss of a pawn does not mean the loss of the game.

And I think, to Him, that is most important. It is most important that I win the war, not all the little battles. To Him, never giving in is really winning. Perfection is unattainable in my current state--wholeness is not unattainable. He wants me to continue to offer up excellence in my own way, and only then will I feel whole.

And when He says something is right, He means it. Despite all the possible negative consequences and dangers. He means it, and nothing that anyone can say will ever change that. No matter what my doubts are, no matter what the opportunity cost, no matter what opinion anyone else expresses. It is still right, and it is right not on my terms--but on His.

This is why He requires hard things of us sometimes. To see if we will absolutely follow Him anywhere and everywhere. To see if we will continue to follow Him even when we lose a pawn. When others discourage and even scoff at us. When we feel apathy and hopelessness and helplessness.

and I will. I will.

apathy

I really do not feel like writing anything.

But I feel like I may die if I don't.

I want to do something, get up, not sleep anymore.

But I feel like I may die if I do.

What is wrong with me?

Weep Not

"weep not for roads untraveled.
weep not for paths left alone.
'cause beyond every bend
is a long blinding end
its the worst kind of pain I've known.

give up your heart left broken
and let that mistake pass on
cuz the love that you lost
wasn't worth what it cost
and in time you'll be glad it's gone.

weep not for roads untreaveled
weep not for sights unseen
may your love never end
and if you need a friend
there's a seat here alongside me."

A dear friend of mine posted this song as her status. I love Linkin Park, so I looked up the song. I was struck by the melody, the way that Linkin Park manages to evoke emotion through the chords they choose and the words they sing. It brought to my mind a lot of things that have been culminating lately....

I've been a creature deep in thought as of the last couple of weeks, and this week especially, as I've been mostly staying home or in the library--forced allowed to be lost in my own thoughts.

I'm at a point in my life, and have been for the last year, where I am making a lot of decisions. Decisions that will change my life forever, and influence my time in this life. Decisions about school and work and travels and family.

I checked out a Shel Silverstein book from the library. "Everything On It" --and have been struck by the profoundness of his poems. He always has clever lessons to share, things to teach children. My favorite so far was the poem "Jimmy-Jack-John". It's about a little boy who, one night, goes searching for the dawn. Shel Silverstein writes to him: "Just wrap yourself tight in this blanket of night / and the dawn will come to you."

He also said this:

"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the wont's. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me...Anything can happen, child. Anything can be."

Something that's been perplexing me is this: When I look down one road, I'm struck with an intense distraction--caused by the other road that I've just looked away from. If I decide to go to London, I cannot be anywhere else while I am there, I can't be in India, or in Africa, or in Hawaii. And while I can go later, what would be my fate were I there instead of here?

If I decide to take a step, I'm automatically ruling out a million other options. What if less misfortunate would befall me on another road? What if I could help more people by choosing a different way? What am I missing down the other road?

I echo Pocahontas in asking what could be down the riverbend. What waits for me? And what am I going to miss in choosing one way over another?

This is where we come back to Linkin Park.

"Weep not for roads untraveled / weep not for paths left alone."

If I trust God, the path that I choose under his direction will be the right one, and I will be very happy. Yes, I will only have one life--and it is so easy to wish to live a million different lives--but I will be happy living the life that fits me.

I will step into these choices, these changes, and I will never look back. After all, what good can looking back do anyway? It just causes pain. C.S. Lewis remarked in The Screwtape Letters:

"The humans live in time but our Enemy destines them to eternity. He therefore, I believe, wants them to attend chiefly to two things, to eternity itself, and to that point of time which they call the Present. For the Present is the point at which time touches eternity. Of the present moment, and of it only, humans have an experience analogous to the experience which our Enemy has of reality as a whole; in it alone freedom and actuality are offered them."


I'm not going to weep for roads untraveled. I'm going to live in the now--in "the point at which time touches eternity."

And I'm going to love it.

John Mayer

"I'd die if I saw you,
           and I'd die if I didn't see you there

So I don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore."

                                 "In Your Atmosphere"

I'm slowly but surely developing a special love for Mr. Mayer. He's got this beautiful voice that allows, no, forces you to feel exactly what he's singing about. And that, in whatever form it comes, is pure talent.

"On behalf of every man

        looking out for every girl

you are the God and the weight of her world."

                                  "Daughters"

Everything Changes

For some odd reason, I've decided to, come this Fall semester, throw myself back into the world of Freshman after spending a wonderful summer basking in the oh-so-exotic world that is Off-Campus Housing.

It's really beautiful. Full of crazy adventures and endless noises. Full of experiences like this:

Of drawing on fruit and blowing bubbles off the balcony--eating breakfast at the pool and forgetting to wear shoes everywhere. Walking a million miles to do a load of laundry, never sleeping, studying, or having a moment alone. It's beautiful :)

So then why am I giving this up? Why would I inflict this unpleasant change on myself?

The answer is very, very simple:

Because it's right. Because this is a change that God wanted for me.

So along with this Resident's Assistant business, there comes homework. Yes, a job that I get to do homework for! All I can say is that I hope my little freshman girls appreciate what I do for them. And that I know they really won't.

This homework assignment was about communication and change. You see, up until you leave your home and live on your own for the very first time, you really know nothing about change (with a few exceptions). You really can't understand what it is to have your life flip upside down and inside out and 180 degrees around in four different directions.

It's quite disconcerting, and it's a little hard to deal with at first. I remember being a brand-new freshman (yeah, yeah, it wasn't that long ago, I get it) and wondering how in the heck I was gonna deal with the change in my life. My job as an RA is going to be to take what I wish someone had told me and be sure to tell my girls those things.

The thing that I wish I had known (and not just known in the same way that I know that grass is green and sometimes brown--the kind of knowing where it touches every part of your life and changes the way that you live) is that change is always around us. It's always happening. Sometimes it's disgusting and frightening, sometimes deliciously exciting.  But it always is.

It always is.

We can't change that, unfortunately. But what we can change is our attitude towards change--our desire for change. The beliefs we hold about change.

(Seriously--most of what I'm saying is coming from this talk right here! It was part of the chapter I had to read before doing my homework, and I'm not actually sure that there exist better ways to say the things that she's said in her talk.)

Wendy Watson says "I have come to believe that therapeutic change occurs as the
belief that is at the heart of the matter is identified, challenged, or solidified." And I believe she is 100% right. She gives countless examples too, just in case you're not believing her claim. She argues that the most erroneous belief is the one that says that there is only one correct belief and that it is the one you support.

One of the most important qualities to possess in this world is an open mind, and a willingness to accept the fact that others may never see things the way you do. You can't make everyone see the world the way that you do, and even if you try, you're going to fail. I'm sorry. It just is.

So what can you do?

Just accept them. Agree to disagree. Love without needing 100% compatability and agreement. It's never going to happen.

If we do this, then the ability to change our lives in ways that will be incredibly beneficial to us develops.

This is something that I've had to learn--knowledge that's come even as I'm bracing both hands against the doorframe in the way that a four year old refuses to be taken into his room for punishment. I'm learning that I need to be able to change the way that I think of myself, the way that I treat myself, the way that I think, even, in order to be able to make the changes in my life necessary for happiness.

I've had to become brave at times when it was harder than I've ever imagined anything being in my entire life.  I've had to let things go that have defined me for far too much of my life--very comfortable things. I've had to look at people I honestly will never understand and love them anyway, work with them, swallow their ideas and dealings.

But those things couldn't happen without my willingness to allow them to happen. Without me understanding that I couldn't move onto better ways of living without shedding old beliefs and putting new ones on.

So think with me for a moment:

What kind of life could you be living if you allowed yourself to change your thoughts? What sorts of splendid things could you be accomplishing if only you would move past those things that are holding you back? And what kinds of changes could you be allowing if you would only open yourself up to seeing new things?

These are things I have to ask myself every day. I'm learning. I'm not perfect. I just am.

After all, in order to become a butterfly, "you must want to fly so badly that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."

[side note: how is it possible to have 22 page views on a single post without any comments? The point of the internet is to be able to share ideas and learn from each other. I can't do that if I'm sitting in a fishbowl watching people look at me. Please--talk to me!]

It's not

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
Nothing is going to get better,
it's not."

Ted is a young boy who, in order to impress a girl who lives on his street, sets out to find a real live tree to plant in his city made entirely of plastic. In doing so, he finds a story, a tragedy, even larger than he thought even possible--the story of the destruction of an entire race of trees and the integrity of a man.

But's not just that the trees need to be saved. There are many, many things that need to be saved. Many, many things that need to be stood up for. Many, many things that need to be heard.

Many issues that a single person needs to be willing to stand up for.

Many wars that could be won if only one would be willing to get up and utter a declaration.

Sometimes it takes a loud voice--someone to speak out to large numbers of people, to thrash their way through the jungle of discriminating opinions and unrelenting prejudice.

Sometimes it only takes a whisper--someone to dip their toes into the ice-cold lake while everyone else stands on the dock watching with eyes wide.

But regardless of what it takes, wars cannot be won without someone to fight them.

See, the thing is, the trait that I most wish that I possessed is courage. Courage to do things like stand up and fight a war despite the ever-raging storm of opposition, or raise my voice against an injustice.

My gift, as I'm learning, is my openness. My genuinity. My ability to live the way I am and not pretend that I am anyone else, that I believe in anything else.
 The oppositions that we face are very clearly laid out in the open, and I believe that the strengths that I have been given were specifically designed to fight these things.

This has been a commonly recurring thing in my life lately. Like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff watching a battle down below, fully suited up and unable to find a way down into the fray.

All I can do is stand and wait and watch. And hope.

Lorax: "Which way does a tree fall?"
Once-ler: "Ummm...down?"
Lorax: "A tree falls the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean."

And be careful which way I lean. Because if I care a whole awful lot and lean the wrong way, just as the Once-ler did, I'm still going to end up sad, tired, and alone.

Full of regret, and wishing that I had done something different--something little along the way.

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
Nothing is going to get better,
It's not."

And even if someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
unless you stand up and lean the right way,
things still won't get better.
They won't.

But I find myself all-too-often standing at the edge of the cliff, at the back of a crowd, at the corner of the room, wishing I could say something--forever standing on tiptoes trying to be a little bigger, trying to be a little braver.

So here I am:

Does anyone have any suggestions? How do I get bigger, braver, more involved?

How have other people managed it?

Does anyone else feel this same way or am I just psychotic (I very clearly understand that it's a possibility)?

An Old Favorite

"The trouble with love is
               that it comes to an end.


I've got a feeling
               I'm gonna find you again--


just in a place where
               Love can't die."

 ---NeedtoBreathe

Where are you, life?

With a lot going on right now, I thought maybe I'd take a second to share some things that have been in my head today--quotes, thoughts, whatnot.

"We all let people into our lives, but you will find that really good friends let you into your own."

"If we did all the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves." --Thomas Edison

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense." --Buddha

Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

"The world is full of people who will go their whole lives and not actually live one day. She did not intend on being one of them."

You have found a place in my heart, and so that place is yours. It will fly your flag, speak your language, and honor you with festive parades forever.

We will never be the same as we were before this loss, but we are ever so much better for having had something so great to lose.

Just when you think you know love, something comes along to remind you just how big it really is.

"I'm not sure," she said "at what point it is advisable to admit to liking you a great deal more than I planned."

The world is not going to come to you. The sooner you realize this, the more time you'll have to pack.

Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away. And all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart.

"She took a deep breath, declared herself free and thanked herself for being so patient with it."

It is without question our duty to honor the love of every humble heart as we would our very own. Greater are those who are with love than all who are against.

Love is not just caring deeply, above all it is 
understanding. 
--Francoise Sagan

Hope

Studying my scriptures is definitely something I should do a lot more often. Why? Because it always seems that I can't get through a single chapter without finding something incredibly profound and relatable to my life.

Moroni 10:22

"And if ye have no hope ye must needs be in despair; and despair cometh because of iniquity."

I've been struggling with this hope thing lately. I feel like I've really picked up on a lot of things here at BYU, really learned valuable lessons, really found myself. But having hope that the future will be okay? That sometimes (frequently, actually) eludes me.

And as I read this scripture, I thought to myself "we only lose hope when we let go of it". And if hope is something that I desparately want--why would I ever let go of it??

I don't think it's something that anyone does intentionally. Maybe scripture study and daily prayer slip.....maybe small acts of service are forgotten....and then hope slips away as we slowly lose grip on our lives.

So basically, I need to step it up.

And I need to be understanding with myself when I fail. Because I will sometimes. And that's not okay, but it's not the end of the world. My hope doesn't need to go away forever because of one mistake. I need to be able to pick myself up, walk back to where Christ is standing, kneel and ask to be forgiven, and then let him lead me on.

Perhaps this is one of the most important things we can ask of our Savior. Perhaps it is one of the most important things He can give us.

Rest.

And if He cannot take the burdens from us, He can strengthen our backs. We can bear all things in Him. We just need to live so that we can have hope in Him.

I need to live so that I can have hope in Him.

I guess I gotta do this....

The "Liebster Award" ? I've been awarded. It's given from blogger to blogger, passed along little blogs who have less than 200 hundred followers.

I have WAAY less than 200 followers. In fact, 200 followers is more than I ever hope to receive. Ever.

Haha. Anyway--my Mother over at brasier house awarded me this fabulous honor, and now it is my duty to pass it along.

You actually probably should go read her blog for more info--you can find her post HERE explaining where it came from and what it means. It's really cute--my Mom has quite a knack for blogging! She started up in December this year--just December!!!

She now has 127 followers--in just four months! I'd recommend that you follow her...but that would sound like a shameless familial plug. I'd NEVER wanna do that, would I?

Anyway. Now I have to choose a couple of blogs to award. Here goes:

1. Little Miss Kelly over at My Blue Eyes. She is so fantastically adorable. She's only 13, but she has a natural talent for writing, and she sees fantastic insights in even the smallest things. She's cute and quirky and really, I'm gonna go for the shameless plug thing here: Check her out--follow her! It's worth it.
2. This is for Lauren Allred of How To Save A Life. The thing I love about her blog is that she uses it to help herself learn valuable lessons. It's always fun to read her posts because they teach me something that maybe I'd never thought of before, or never dared to explore quite so deeply. She's not afraid to question herself, and that, I think, is a valuable quality to have.

So anyway. I'm done, I guess. Go check these girls out. All....13 of you who even read my blog.

While

Yes, there exists this truth: everybody wants to be that quintessential person. Everyone wishes "If only" they could be more than they are. Every person I have ever met has a picture in their head of the "If" they want to become.

So that's what this life is: a chance for a few people to take what they are and change it into what they can be. Because sometimes the process is infinitely more important than the actual event. It would be impossible for a person to take their painfully imperfect selves and simply transform into this magically whole person. They would be missing many key traits and experience that are the very essence of what it means to be whole.

Also--they wouldn't really exist. Because a person who is whole is one who has fallen and risen. A circle must be made up of the top and the bottom, and light only exists because of dark--or else how would we know what light even meant? There must be failure and success. A process.

 This is a record of that--the actual process. The part that is, I would argue, the most important part.

Taylor Stinnett

"To become the person I want to be--

• Evaluate myself using my experiences as well as what I see in others to make mylife the best I can. 
• Keep myself physically active in order to maintain a healthy body and a positive psyche.
• Foster the desire to expand my mind through scientific, fictional, and spiritual literature."

Stephanie Johnson

"To become the person I want to be, I am studying my patriarchal blessing and trying to live up to the characteristics described in that. I am also learning how to show my love for others because I want to be a charitable person."

Tony Hsieh

"I'm enrolling in the Honors Program, interning at Personal Economics, and networking at the Marriot School of business to become a potential employee at Goldman Sach's."

 Julia Harris

"I am working hard in school so that I can learn and be better prepared for the future. I am also trying to study and apply gospel principles into my life, including strengthening my family relationships."

Taylor Kraus

"I am at BYU working hard to get a good education. I go running and workout regularly so I can stay in good shape. I am practicing my violin and playing in a band that is helping develop my skills. I am saying my prayers and reading scriptures regularly so I can stay in tune with the spirit."

Rachel England

"What am I doing to become the person I want to be? I am doing things that I am scared to do. I am trying new things. I am challenging myself and demanding my best. I am trying  to follow the spirit in all of my decisions. I am learning from my mistakes and moving forward with confidence. I am trying to let go of the past and have hope for the future. I am trying to become more like my Savior. And I am feeling gratitude for all of the wonderful blessings my Heavenly Father has given me. What am I doing to become the person I want to be? I am trying to live my life in a way that will lead me to becoming the person I want to be."

What would this be without my own input?

I believe that becoming the person I want to be involves waking up every morning, pulling open the blinds, and smiling no matter what the weather looks like. It means surrounding myself with those I love. I believe that it means forgiving people who've hurt you even if they don't deserve it. I believe it means taking those risks so that I can prove to myself that I really could build myself up from nothing if I had to. I believe it means dreaming, waking up, and holding those dreams in my head throughout the day as I work as hard as I can to achieve them. I believe it means taking criticism, but still following my own feelings. I don't believe it means being perfect every day. I don't even believe it means trying perfectly every day. It means getting up when you fail, and trying again.

And there it is: That is what "If" looks like in process.

I have a lot of other posts to do here, but I couldn't resist posting really quick. After who knows how many hours of homework, and such a horribly weakening day....I have to share this video. It's beautiful.

Because sometimes I need to remember that I am His daughter.

There's so much more to me than I can see. But He sees it.

I need to stop forgetting that. There is a divine potential in me that I can never realize if I don't stop moping in the mud, wishing I was perfect. I'm never gonna be--at least in this life.

I am His daughter, and everything else is basically irrelevant.

Here it is....it's Tuesday again.

Hey.
How's it going?
It's Tuesday again.
I hate Tuesdays.
Do they have to come every week?
I could do every other week.

Anyway. I'm sitting here doing homework, writing a paper due tomorrow that I haven't even had the time to start on, and I'm also listening to music (that's just what I do. I can't focus otherwise). Guess what song comes up?

Meant to Live by Switchfoot

Yeah. You remember that song, right? It was the song of my pre-teens. But I'll admit, I've never heard it quite like I heard it tonight.

Have you ever really stopped to consider that "we were meant to live for so much more"?

What do you live for right now? I live for:

My Studies

Yep. I know lots of you live for the same thing. My Dad has been going to school for like 3 years....nonstop. No summer break. No off-track. Yuck.

Some people live to pay their bills.
To earn more money to pay for their wants.
To keep from failing.
To protect themselves from embarrassment.

I know that a lot of what I live for is trying obsessively to get rid of my faults.

These are all great, but what if we were meant to live for more than just that?

Here's what my list SHOULD look like:

Family
Friends
Sunny days
Rainy days
Roommates
Ice cream runs with my friends
Finding that aquariam in the basement of the MARB.
The Gospel
Loving myself.
Loving others.
Being loved.

But mostly, smiling.

Babies really get what's going on with life. They understand what they're supposed to live for.

I'm sure someday we'll all get it too. (Isn't my little brother just the cutest thing ever?)